난 아무것도 아니다

난 아무 것도 아니다.
난 그에게 아무것도 아니다.
잘라내어도 생명의 지장이 없을 잔가지와 같은  것, 상해버린 머리끝인지도 모르겠다.
철저히 막혀버려 벽이되어버린 옛날의 문을 바라보고 또 바라본다.
난 아무것도 아니다.



그런 생각이 든다
난 짐이었을까,
그가 짊어진 삶에 난 포기 할 수 있는 어떤 짐이었을까,
그래도 같이 있을 수 있지 않을까
다시 물어보기 겁이 난다
이번에도 아니라고 대답한다면
다시 물어보지 못할 것 같다



happy and recharged
funny that this simple thing changes my mood
and boosts inspiration
also no excuse any more

once again i feel i own my life 
in full confidence

thank you.


be next to me

be next to me.
when i feel beaten.
when i feel empty.

to let me be myself. for spotless mind. like pearl. round and silky.

wonder when you stay forever beside me,
then would I be not me

would i search for myself again and forever

but you won't be able to shield me when storm comes.
when thunder pours
when hail stirs the ground.
and even before small cuts, smaller than a eyelash
i be a raw meat. only some flesh.

coming back to the question.

and you are a separate thing will never become the shield.


fence and handrail

here i am sitting on an office chair, typing.
it's been already 2 years passed since i joined the company.
and the years just gone without remains.

blaming long work hours
trying to think something else not work.
plan to go to gym or yoga classes.
do something crative when not at work.

one half collgue half friend leaves the company at the end of this month.
she will move to france.
she has reasons to leave.
i always look for those and hold them, squeeze them and never let them go.
i just swallow them.
melt in my stomach.

once i dreamed to be someone famous.
like my friend's dad who comes out on google search.

someone with some archievement.


question again

about a week ago I was introduced to a guy for a blind date.
awkward hours over dinner table and coffee table.
talked break-less like a radio show.
met twice and ended like a monologue.
meaningless encounters.

the thing is everything in my life seems to go very much like falling into deep stark fog.
nothing is such clear.
i don't even know what i like.
what i like to do.

from September i don't even remember how the days passed.
i was jumping from one print mill to another and fighting and arguing with the technicians over ink colors or detail of the print, even for a dot.

for the rest of the time, i was doing some games on my phone.
checking some must-do things
or worrying things for the work.
and regretting my bad behaviour towards my colleagues and family.
disgusted by my attitude.

so what
so what life do i want to live.

once when somebody asked the question
i said
i want to have a little house in countryside
and draw and raise my children.

so am i getting any closer to that?
do my bank statement say it's going to happen? when?

let's do not sigh.
but let's think.


so how should i live

i also want to do what i like to do
but then another me goes maybe i am already doing what i want. maybe it is that i work too much to be satisfied with. but not long later i will realise i am actually not happy with my job.

in short, i sell clothes thus to get paid or not feel miserable for being a someone who hasn't been chosen or approved as worthwhile to make money.

why do i feel i haven't experienced enough to see what actually i like?
i definately did, compare to many of my friends or my colleagues. 
but i am also or more confused whether i am on the right path.
i don't mean or want to go back. but i believe there must be something i would be happy with. things that fulfils my life better. then i go back to the old answers.
drawing, gardening, taking photographs or farming good things.
i think a man should be creating to be happy with his/her life.
what do i want to create?
new idea?
good & healthy eateries?
what ever i like?

maybe my life, and the answer will need to be made everytime i bump into those questions.


a thought and some feeling

The Education of Little Tree by Forrest Carter

지금 읽고 있는 책에는 인디언 조부모와 함께 사는 꼬마가 주인공이다.
일요일에면 몇 마일을 걸어 교회에 간다. 매주 그곳에서 윌로 존이라는 순수 체로키와 만난다. 형제들과 살던 산야를 빼앗긴 체로키 윌로 존은 항상 모자를 깊이 눌러 쓰고 무표정으로 나무 그늘에 서있는다. 그리고 시간이 되면 산야를 빼앗은 백인들이 채운 예배당에 들어가 꼬마네와 함께 맨 끝의자에 앉아 고개를 빳빳히 들고 예배를 마친다.

어느 날 윌로 존에게 선물을 하고 싶었던 주인공은 나무가지에 걸려있던 그의 코트 주머니에 식용 개구리 하나를 넣어 놓는다. 예배가 시작되고 '주여' 하고 목사가 말하자 개구리가 괴물의 소릴 내며 운다. 윌로 존은 자신의 코트 주머니에 손을 넣어보고 처음 보는 웃음을 터뜨린다. 눈물이 날 때까지 웃는다.

어떤 기쁨이 어떤 복받침이 웃음을 터뜨렸는지 혹은 울음을 터뜨렸는지 난 잘 모르겠다.
그냥 머릿속에서 그를 보고 있던 나 역시 웃음이 났다. 왠지 모르게 아름답다 생각이 들었다.
뭐라 정의할 수 없는 직접적인 감동이겠지.
아마도 어쩔 수 없이 표현하고 말게되는 어떤 감정, 그것이 필요하거나 혹은 그렇게 하길 바라는 맘이겠지.


20 things i like

what-i-like list to wake myself up and figure out how to live

1. i like my eating no meat habit.
2. i like to make rubbish as little as possible.
3. i like all the languages and different culture which should live forever and become richer.
4. i like to travel.
5. i like to enjoy lazy afternoon.
6. i like cooking
7. i like to think about random things and know what they are.
8. i like taking pictures and drawing.
9. i like to meet new people and get to know them.
10. i like nature.
11. i like dancing.
12. i like partying.
13. i like watching unpopular films.
14. i like people respecting each other's life.
15. i like people being nice to the others, optimistic to themselves and smiling to each other.
16. i like those people who are creators and love what they are doing.
17. i like my town.
18. i like to feel safe wherever i am
19. i like to pay for things which are reasonable and valuable.
20. i like learning new things.


먹먹 feeling ridiculously hollow

가슴이 먹먹하다.
이제 당연한 것이 되어버린 야근을 마치고 집에 돌아와 방바닥에 드러눕는다. 페이스북이니 네이버웹툰이니 하는 것들을 뒤적이다 이제는 진짜 자야겠단 생각이 들 때까지 손에서 전화기를 내려놓지 않는다. 그러고도 공허한 마음. 무언가 내 삶이라 내 시간이라 부를 만한 시간에 무언가가 일어나줬으면 바라며 화면을 바라본다. 하루종일 기도 끝에 붙어있던 숨이 수백만으로 쪼개져 조금씩 새어나온다. 온전한 나로 돌아가기에는 눈을 차마 뜨고 있을 수 없는 시각이 올 때까지 아무래도 시간이 부족하다. 그렇게 반도 완전히 추스리지 못한 채로 정신을 잃는다. 그리고 몇 시간 후 다시 눈을 뜨고 회사메일을 확인한다. 

무언가 나를 주고 올 곳이 필요하다. 당장이라도 그 곳에 가면 나를 만날 수 있는 그런 곳. 아니면 절대 잃어버리지 않을 나 자신이라도.

I come home after usual over-time work. then i stare on my phone, hoping to find something special that might happen in unworking hours what supposed to be 'my time'.
but there is not much time till my eyelids fall down hopelessly. i fall asleep then wake up after few hours then check work mailbox.

i need a place i can keep myself. so whenever i come back i can find myself. or I. un-los-able I.


review_George Harrison 바날 아이디어

얼마전 조지 해리슨 다큐멘타리를 봤다. 사실 비틀즈가 넷이라는 것은 그 이름을 들었을 때 부터 알았다지만 그의 이름은 이 다큐의 개봉을 통해 알게되었다. 난 비틀즈에 대한 특별한 감상같은 것은 없다. 몇몇 곡을 좋아하는 것 말고는 모두가 칭송하기 때문에 나 역시 위대한 밴드인가봐라고 막연히 생각했다. 
200분이 넘는 다큐는 생각보다 지루하지 않았다. 영화가 끝나고 몇가지 생각들이 머릿속을 떠다녔지만 지금까지 살아남은 것은 나 역시 '변해도 괜찮다'는 것이다. 그리고 명상을 통해 스스로를 좀 더 잘 추스려야겠다는 것. 난 그만큼 어린 나이에 성공이란 것을 한 것도 할 수 있을 것 같지도 않다. 하지만 나 역시 의지로 변화, 변신을 모색할 수 있다. 내 맘의 평화를 찾는데, 나의 바람을 실현하는데 새로운 모습을 갖는 것을 두려워하지 말자. 난 아직도 무엇이든 될 수 있다.

Few days ago i watched George Harrison the documentary. I knew that the Beatles were 4 people since i heard the name for the very first time though this was the first time i properly got to know his name. Also I have nothing that particular about the Beatles. I quite like a few of their songs and I think they are somewhat great, but I just think so only because everyone says so. 
The documentary is over 200mins, but didn't feel that long. While the ending credit goes up, few ideas were floating in my head. And there are only two still alive. 1. It's okay to change myself. and 2. I need some meditation to look after myself. I am neither that succeed in something nor to be in any near future. But I also can be a different person with my own will and effort. Not to be affraid of being a different and possibly better person, and finding peace in my mind. Yep i can be any and better.

a day passed since i wrote this and it feels so banal.



random repeats

random patterns i ve been making.
feel i need some fresh ideas.


response and answer

대답, 반응



Since writing in short with only few words doesn't give me any additional satisfaction neither appropriate answer, i am just going to write what ever comes in my mind in any form.
possibly that will lead me the answer better.

At the moment i'm reading a book my friend lent me.
' The education of Little Tree' by Forrest Carter
it's about an Cherokee Indian boy, author himself living with his grand parents.

not sure where about in the book i found the answer from because I was too tired after working on saturday, my eyelids kept falling down so i can't quite sure where i find it.
or i ve been just pretending not to know or ignored it intensionally.
Any way the answer was 'response'.
that is what i was looking for.

but after all somehow it's unclear again.
or was it from the phone?

함축적으로 쓰는 것이 더 이상 나에게 어떤 추가적인 기쁨을 주지 않기 때문에 이제 그냥 풀어쓰기로 하자.
그게 좀 더 답에 가깝게 해 줄지도 몰라.

친구가 빌려준 책을 읽고 있다.
'내 영혼이 따뜻했던 날들'
작가, 인디언꼬마가 할머니 할아버지와 함께 살면서 있었던 이야기를 적은 것이다.

토요일출근에  피곤했는지 눈이 스스르 감겨 어디까지 읽었는지 기억도 없고, 도대체 어느 부분에서인지 알 수 없지만 읽는 중 어스 순간 꽤 오랫동안 알 수 없었던 아니면 알았지만 분명하게 보지 않으려고 했던 답이 보였다.
그것은 내가 대답 혹은 반응을 원한다는 것이다.

그런데 이렇게 정답이라고 적고 보니 그 앞뒤가 다시 흐려졌다.
아니면 전화기 때문일까?


will think about whether i can translate this in eng.

오늘 연금을 하나 들었다.
난 내일 일도 모르겠는데 65살이 되었을 때 무슨 일이 일어날지 어찌 안담.
그래도 난 계산기를 두드려 내 월급에서 얼마나 매달 낼 수 있는지 계산한다.
언제나 그렇듯 두리뭉실한 내 답은 별로 만족스럽지 않다.
그래도 최선의 선택이라고 생각해.

어제 친구와 '해피 해피 브레드'라는 영화를 봤다.
해피가 두 번 들어간 만큼 오글거리는 부분이 여기 저기 숨어있는 영화였다.
하지만 배경인 홋카이도의 외진 시골 풍경이 자꾸 나를 탓하는 것 같다.
'너를 배신하지마'
영화가 끝나고 강릉을 생각했다. 작년 직장을 갖기 전 친구들과 야간기차를 타고 가 텅텅 빈 역전에서 아침밥을 찾던 기억. 오죽헌 근처에 텅 비어보이던, 물론 어느 곳이나 땅주인이 없는 곳은 없겠지만, 내가 살 수도 있는 풍경들.
난 야심차게 살아남을 방도도 다 생각했는데.

그런저런 생각을 하다가 돌아오는 광복절에 강릉이나 갈까 싶어 날씨 확인 했더니
앗 비. 응 비.

ok. i made an account for pension yesterday.
when i don't even know what would happen tomorrow, how do i know what would happen when i am 65.
though holding a calculator on one hand I count how much I can pay every month from my paycheck. then the result comes out which is still hazy as usual. i am not such satisfied with it but suppose that is the best option i can take.

the day before i watched a film called 'happy happy bread'.
it was super cheesy and tacky as much as the word 'happy' twice on the title.
though i liked the scenery of small village in Hokkaido it showed on the background
and it made me feel guilty by saying silently
'do not betray yourself'
after the ending i kept on thinking of Gangneung, a town by the sea where i went with my friends before i got this job. after an over-night ride on train, we searched for a place to have breakfast. and there were the empty spaces around Ojukhun, of course there is no land without the owner though, the space i could live happily ever after.
i even thought of all the ways to survive there though.

thinking all these random things, i wanted to go to the town so checked the forecast.
shit rain. o yeh rain.



vulnerable never becomes adorable, but unbearable

i blame on you.
i blame everything on you.
even though i know it's nothing related with you at all.
you were just happened to be there.

just because i cannot blame on myself even though i know

once i told my friend that i will do what ever it takes to protect myself from being hurt.
yes protect myself.
the shield i am putting on to blind myself,
to make all illusion and be calm for some randomly appearing moments.

still i cannot leave myself crying.
cause vulnerable never becomes adorable, but unbearable.

너를 탓한다.
모든 것은 너때문이라고 너를 탓한다.
그저 넌 거기 있었고 아무 상관없지만 그래도 난 네가 밉고
너를 탓하고 있다.

나를 미워하고 탓할 수 없기 때문에.

언젠가 친구에게 상처로부터 나를 보호하기 위해 난 무엇이든 할 거라고 말 한 적이 있다.
보호하기 위해.
그 안전장치는 나를 장님으로 만든다.
환영과 예측할 수 없이 나타났다 사라지곤 하는 평온을 만든다.

하지만 아직도 나를 울게 내버려둘 수 없다.
약한 것은 아름답지 않다. 그저 견딜 수 없다.


random things

recently i have been trying to sleep as late as possible.
i haven't either thought or wanted to think of the reason.
i just keep pulling up the eyelids whenever they fall down, ignore yawning
and feeling super tired in day time.

i once imagined of me bumping into him on the street. coincidentally him with his new girl.
but somehow thinking that makes me happy, somewhat excited.
as if reading a teen novel.

i can feel that i am turning to a selfish grumpy woman who complains of anything.
no tolerance at all.
never cares of anyone or anything
the ugliest type of people you see on the bus.
very disappointed of myself.

festival tees

made for me (6th daughter)

made for my 5th sister


[the past] chapter 1.

If i divide my 27 years of life periodically there have been about 4 big chunks.

1. born ~ 15 yrs the year i decided not to go to high school.
2. 16 yrs ~ 20 yrs when i went to haja school after 1 year of home schooling
3. 20yrs ~ 25yrs London Life
4. 26yrs ~ now back in the mother land.

First. born ~ 15yrs
I was a normal kid. 
At school, with not such bad score, which didn't make anyone to worry about my future nor any other contrary concern, I was just a good quiet student. I hated physics and music, and loved arts and maths. I had a few very close friends, but also had good relationship with anyone at school, no enemies such. I once was bullied by a close friend who fancied the boy i fancied and for a month I had to have lunch alone. i still remember the friend's name though i can't remember the pain of being alone.

my first dream was being a teacher. at that time that was the most popular one. but when the chance i had to speak out i said i'd love to be a soldier. i just didn't wanted to repeat what the girl before me just said. The second one was a comic book illustrator. i once made a little story and few pages of comic book. the main character was a waitress serving orange juice on a rollerskate, and fall in love with a boy, can't remember how though. the third one was being a doctor and this lasted pretty long cause my mother was ill for long. i somehow figured out that is what my mom wanted me to be.

and to be a doctor, i needed to go to a "good" school. so I moved school a term before the graduation only to take the exam. it was my first girls school and I hated, and I failed the exam. After that I had few other choices of schools to go though I wanted none. while i was preparing the exam I repeatedly said that I'd just take the certificate exam for high school if I fail the exam. and I decided not to go for real and didn't enroll.  
It was a quite unusual case at that time but after sending 5 kids to the same local private school, my parents let me as i wanted. 

and i think at that moment everything in my life started to move, also needed to bear darkest period of my life for a year though.


mim hello again.

mim in wonderland


is a project i did when I was 19, almost 10 years ago.
with my friend aram who loves travelling and always travels.
at that time i had never been abroad.not even had a plan of it. then I suddenly left to london to study though, i never was a traveller but more of a settler  who always had a dream of having a house and neighbours and possibly a garden.
anyway, with these different ways of our dream or real life, i and aram dreamed of common future. something more sustainable and peaceful, doable and tasteful.

now, i am back in my mother land.
and most of the times too busy to think anything like that.
but the idea comes back quite often and i want to start the project again.
with my 10 years of accumulated experience or knowledge or some useless memories.

so to start,
i'll see myself, my past and present and probably future.
there i will build my wonderland again.
and live happily ever after.



boredom makes you brave so dangerous



i wonder whether i hurt you.
the words i said were selected quite carefully not to though,
being rejected isn't a happy thing any way.

you might think it as a happening which you didn't expect to happen but not a big deal.
if so, my apology doesn't worth a thing.
but if you were upset like me and felt sorry like me and missed me even if it was not like the way i did, i want to apologise.



two in same state
but in different direction
with different passenger.

know not knowing

not knowing
self harming
and realising there is no way to go back.


never been in this

i've never been this brave.
i've never been this blind.
i've never been this talkative.
i've never been this troubled.
i've never been this doubtless.
i've never been this defenseless.

stand still air tight fist

neither backward nor forward
left or right
close my fist tight and turn eyes to my guts
there in stark air
i stand
i hold
become a scenery.



it feels like everything will happen in a sudden and disappear also in a sudden.
모든 것이 갑자기 일어나서 갑자기 죽어버릴것 같아.

but im still standing in front of the door

trying to look through, wishing to be let in


a azuki bean

heart turns into a azuki bean
a knife sharp baby leaf
poke its head from inside
i hold the opening
with loose stitches
as if i am waiting it to be torn out,
vomiting the yet to be photosynthesized leaves
and it costs some kind of pain insomnia

심장이 팥알이 된다 
안쪽에 뾰족한 머리가 찌르며 
배를 갈라 찟고 나오려한다 
아직은 광합성을 시작하지 않은 그것을 쏟아놓길 기다리며 
나는 엉성한 시침질로 배를 붙잡는다 
 그리고 그 위 통증, 불면을 가면처럼 씌워놓는다



i don't cry till my eye out any more

i'm sure there is something wrong