question again

about a week ago I was introduced to a guy for a blind date.
awkward hours over dinner table and coffee table.
talked break-less like a radio show.
met twice and ended like a monologue.
meaningless encounters.

the thing is everything in my life seems to go very much like falling into deep stark fog.
nothing is such clear.
i don't even know what i like.
what i like to do.

from September i don't even remember how the days passed.
i was jumping from one print mill to another and fighting and arguing with the technicians over ink colors or detail of the print, even for a dot.

for the rest of the time, i was doing some games on my phone.
checking some must-do things
or worrying things for the work.
and regretting my bad behaviour towards my colleagues and family.
disgusted by my attitude.

so what
so what life do i want to live.

once when somebody asked the question
i said
i want to have a little house in countryside
and draw and raise my children.

so am i getting any closer to that?
do my bank statement say it's going to happen? when?

let's do not sigh.
but let's think.