question again

about a week ago I was introduced to a guy for a blind date.
awkward hours over dinner table and coffee table.
talked break-less like a radio show.
met twice and ended like a monologue.
meaningless encounters.

the thing is everything in my life seems to go very much like falling into deep stark fog.
nothing is such clear.
i don't even know what i like.
what i like to do.

from September i don't even remember how the days passed.
i was jumping from one print mill to another and fighting and arguing with the technicians over ink colors or detail of the print, even for a dot.

for the rest of the time, i was doing some games on my phone.
checking some must-do things
or worrying things for the work.
and regretting my bad behaviour towards my colleagues and family.
disgusted by my attitude.

so what
so what life do i want to live.

once when somebody asked the question
i said
i want to have a little house in countryside
and draw and raise my children.

so am i getting any closer to that?
do my bank statement say it's going to happen? when?

let's do not sigh.
but let's think.

so how should i live

i also want to do what i like to do

but then another me goes maybe i am already doing what i want. maybe it is that i work too much to be satisfied with. but not long later i will realise i am actually not happy with my job.

job

in short, i sell clothes thus to get paid or not feel miserable for being a someone who hasn't been chosen or approved as worthwhile to make money.

hmmmm

why do i feel i haven't experienced enough to see what actually i like?

i definately did, compare to many of my friends or my colleagues. 

but i am also or more confused whether i am on the right path.

i don't mean or want to go back. but i believe there must be something i would be happy with. things that fulfils my life better. then i go back to the old answers.

drawing, gardening, taking photographs or farming good things.

i think a man should be creating to be happy with his/her life.

creating.

what do i want to create?

new idea?

family?

good & healthy eateries?

what ever i like?

maybe my life, and the answer will need to be made everytime i bump into those questions.