31/07/2010
30/07/2010
here or there
i used to take pictures of planes flying over my head with my finger camera.
i can't remember why i did. anyway it was popular among my friends.
but today i just wished that to take me to the right place to be.
i can't remember why i did. anyway it was popular among my friends.
but today i just wished that to take me to the right place to be.
29/07/2010
28/07/2010
happen
the thing is i don't know what i want to say anymore.
i'm not into anything.
i haven't fought for anything but i always had something to talk about.
about Orientalism, consumerism, war and environmental problems etc.
i still think about some of them
but i don't know whether i can or want to talk about these.
neither there is any who wants to listen to these.
then i only focus on my life.
actually it's difficult enough to deal with.
i can't see how i'd be tomorrow.
or next year.
i hope things but never sure these can happen.
i think become more dependant on the word 'happen' than any other words.
like a bomb dropped next to my garden.
i'm not into anything.
i haven't fought for anything but i always had something to talk about.
about Orientalism, consumerism, war and environmental problems etc.
i still think about some of them
but i don't know whether i can or want to talk about these.
neither there is any who wants to listen to these.
then i only focus on my life.
actually it's difficult enough to deal with.
i can't see how i'd be tomorrow.
or next year.
i hope things but never sure these can happen.
i think become more dependant on the word 'happen' than any other words.
like a bomb dropped next to my garden.
27/07/2010
24/07/2010
A new start
나는 사선死線에 서 있지 않다. 하지만 지금 내려야할 결정, 결심은 나를 벼랑끝 나무에 걸린 잎파리처럼 바들바들 떨게한다. I can go a step backward. 뒷걸을질을 한다. 벼랑을 등지고 아빠다리를 하고 앉아 미스터리소설을 읽는다. 친구에게 전화를 건다. 궁금하지도 않은 이야기를 묻고 그의 이야기로 나를 채운다. 딱딱한 베이글을 물도 없이 억은 듯 속을 꽉 메우고 두리번 거리며 무엇이든 정신을 빼앗을 것을 찾는다. You already made a decision. 저 아래에서 더 이상 고민하기 싫은 듯 툭하고 내 뱉어버린다. 하지만 역시 맘이 가벼워지질 않는다. 내가 포기해야 할 것은 무엇일까. 이 차고 넘치는 허전함, 아무일도 일어나지 않은 듯 같은 표정을 짓고 똑같은 아침을 먹으며 내일을 기다리는 것. 나를 행복하게 했던 것들은 어디에서 무엇을 했냐보다 누구와 함께였는지가 더 생생하게 떠오르는 것들이다. 그리고 그 모두의 배경은 굳이 따지자면 여기 런던이지만 그보다 지난 5년을 내가 이곳에 있었다는 것을 감안하면 너무나 당연하게 생각된다. '새로운 시작'이라는 것을 하고싶다. 그리고 그것은 어떤 외부의 요인보다 내 안으로부터의 변화라고 변하지 않는 진리를 설파하 듯 명료하고 만질 수 없다. A new start.
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