i can be a monster

things that in my mind put me under some categories
what you might call a not major

for a second i wished to be someone who belongs to the majors
things in my mind turn to be some majors
but from the tail of the second
i wish myself to stay as non-major
wish there to be more minors

i can be a monster
i can be whatever
i will change myself endlessly
and i won't get tired of

thought of small little things

thinking of the snowflakes
the world is made of those little shapes
which all are different individual.

probably
the planktons in the sea
have all different faces like a is not b

a person is born after a random mixing
of all sorts of different features

it is a wonderful fact that nothing is same as any other
but if there one thing in common is that they all change  in time

autumn

i feel i'm already in autumn.
everything's to be ceased to be some nothing.
creating againt the nature.
you breathe less
use ones you already own
just wait for the time it to finish.

maybe i'm returning
hoping to return
from the tip of toes

value myself

i keep on thinking who i want to be like
i don't need to be like them at all in the first place
but i keep judging myself and comparing my future to their present
and i'm scared whether i'm gonna be nothing

sometimes i thought that i could be nothing
no harm no good but as a being as nothing as it exists
sounds so nice naive

still i want to be something, someone

how value myself

self healing session 1

what i want to do
1. make books
2. printing
3. earning money
4. feel less guilty
5. drawing a lot and well
6. collage a lot and well
7. be honest
8. walk in the night
9. bin everything i have
10. have a place to live
11. pet something
12. be satisfied as it is

what i like
1. paper
2. tea
3. colours
4. patterns
5. normal life
6. train
7. attic
8. photographs
9. mountains
10. sun
11. moon
12. night sky
13. fog
14. tree house
15. maps

answer right now

this changed me so much in very short time
maybe it's not this one only
anyway i have changed a lot.

i became impatient than any time of my life.
i want the answer right now.
i want things get done in a moment
being ready anytime.
thinking only the goal, running to the goalpost only

i, if i can still call it was me, used to take further way, curved or, even went backward often
i still think things very blurrly, non logical
but i want things to be straight, short-cut, one answer-question


i'm now a bit disgusted by myself.
because i feel i become a grown-up
i mean, who already finnished growing and just repeats things they know already and take ways which they always take.
and because i'm pretending, avoiding to accept the fact
and i'm still holding on to the scale of old me

no more exploring
no more adventure

but my mind is never been this confused.
and my writing never been this long to explain how i feel