one i want to be

i watched a film.
the girl in the film looked sad.
thought that i don't want to be like her.
a moment later,
thought that one would say don't want to be like me.

one friend said 'be yourself'.
i feel i'm in the middle of the line of looking, heading toward what i want to be
i left me.
i'm constantly not me
as i always want to be something, someone.
me, the one i would say as myself lives in the air, between what i want and what i am.

don't know whether i want to go back or i can go back
it's not backward then it's another forward.
there's no backward, can't be.

fill

water

sea

wayout

read it

checking up

every moment
i'm unfamiliarising myself

new me is always a little bigger than old me
it's hard to put into my mouth, to chew and swallow

violence

because what you have done
i get upset and i draw me upset
then you are there, see and get upset
but that is what i might intended
wonder who is victim then
is it me who got upset
or is it you

violate
and disturbed

but somehow all emotional contact
seem to be violent
i feel uneasy before someone crying
i feel vulnerable before someone frustrated

it's not that i don't like or what
but i'm just thinking why i feel vulnerable before some expression of emotion

pomegranate day

show: secret heart

the old sweet shop till 14th feb

i'm trying to put more colours

kirchner

i sometimes forget what i really wanted

my cave dropped.

so it doesn't matter anymore.

uncertain thing

clear up
make sense
make sure
name
believe

i don't know what language i think in.
and i don't know whether i really like you.

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just wondered how many pixels make a dot

growing ___ in my head

as much as i get to know ___
the one i know as ___ becomes less like ___
the one i think as ___ is not ___
but i'm not sure whether i care
it's all in my head
and ___'re not in my head

cold breathes into my nostril

makes me not wanting to breathe

found old drawings

2007

marbling test

brushing teeth

antonia and alia

earmushroom

ear is always open.
mushroom grows on dead trees

chew well

twenty times

screaming

Francis Bacon
and Charles Keeping's Joseph's Yard

i'm territorial

what i like about

london houses

everything occurs

imagining a world with no direction.
no right, no left, no north, no south, no east, no west
no toward
no ahead
no.

anxiety

i just want to be invisible, quiet little being.
unnoticeable or forgettable.

perhaps i just wish the opposite.

seflishness

restricting_expanding

shadow